The Great Stannington Toilet Roll Robberies

(- a tale of our times by Kevin Page)

(Carmel’s husband)

Detective Inspector Ian Pratt sat at his desk with his head in his hands. It was late March, but the world outside seemed to be clinging to the dreary memories of winter rather than leaping forward optimistically into spring. It was nearly time for the morning team briefing but Pratt’s brain didn’t seem to want to work today. The events of the past few weeks had left many people stunned and disorientated. The coronavirus pandemic had claimed many lives around the world, but it had disrupted many more; severing the connections between people that defined their identities and challenging many of the assumptions people had subconsciously made about how things worked and should be. It was not surprising that the police were feeling the effects too. However, there was still crime and that meant there was still work for his team. But this latest case was like nothing he’d ever come across before – not just because CID’s finest minds were baffled, but  also because it seemed to strike at the very foundations of human dignity. And if the foundations were destroyed, what could the righteous do? Pratt had a vague feeling that was a quote from somewhere – possibly the book of Proverbs in the Bible, but the memory eluded him. He sighed, looked at the clock and started making his way through to the briefing room.

Some of his team were self-isolating; staying at home. The remaining officers – detective constables Brian Stoker, Diane Jones and David Peters and Detective Sergeant Permjit Patel were already in the room. He noted the sudden cessation of conversation as he appeared in the doorway. What had they been talking about, he wondered. He knew what they called him behind his back of course. For the umpteenth time he wondered what his parents could have been thinking of when they gave him those two middle names – ‘Martin’ and ‘Andrew’. Perhaps it didn’t matter if the whole world was falling apart. He cleared his throat importantly...

‘Good morning to you all – let’s get straight down to this morning’s business. As you all know, the coronavirus outbreak has caused a lot of panic buying. For reasons best known to themselves, people have been buying lots and lots of toilet paper. In fact there have been runs on loo rolls all over the world. Locally, staff at the supermarkets say they have been running out within minutes of opening every morning. There have been rumours of a black market trade in loo rolls selling for high prices. It is said that each sheet of tissue is worth it’s weight in gold!’

‘So, not very much then sir?’ Brian Stoker can’t resist a cheap joke, but it probably won’t help his career progression! thought Detective Sergeant Patel. But Pratt was continuing on under a full head of steam;

‘... and we have evidence that FAKE toilet rolls are being brought into the country illegally from Eastern Europe!’ he held up a polythene evidence bag containing something that looked like a pink toilet roll. ‘Notice the complete lack of perforations!’ he fumed ‘It’s as blatant a forgery as any I’ve ever seen. Just imagine how you’d feel if you were on the loo and you found you’d been tricked into buying one of these! It’s impossible to tear it off in a straight line – you end up with something that’s ragged at both ends!’

There was a sharp intake of breath from the assembled detectives.

‘But the crime we’ve been asked to investigate is far more serious than even these hideous atrocities – and...’ a smug smile showed momentarily on his face ‘...it just demonstrates the high regard the Chief Superintendent has for us in this unit that we’ve been asked to investigate this one as it’s from the top of the pile! If we can pull this one off we’ll make a lot of people very happy. We’ve been asked to investigate the recent spate of toilet roll burglaries!’

Pratt paused for effect and there was a smattering of polite applause as that seemed to be expected. But DS Patel was frowning; ‘Excuse me sir, but it sounds more to me like this one is from nearer the bottom of the pile than the top...’

Pratt wasn’t having any of that kind of talk; ‘Nonsense Patel! It is obvious that you do not appreciate the cultural importance of toilet tissue in our society.’ ... and there goes your own chance of promotion too, sir! thought DS Patel.

DC Jones put up her hand. ‘Have we got any leads sir?’

‘I believe Sergeant Patel has the details’ Pratt replied ‘- Patel?’

Permjit Patel sighed and began. ‘There have been a total of fifteen reported break-ins associated with removal of toilet paper from household premises over the past two weeks. Strangely, there has been no evidence of a break-in at any of the properties. They all seem to have occurred in the North West of Sheffield – specifically the Stannington area. Reports from our uniformed colleagues  indicate that the thefts have led to exceptionally high demand for toilet rolls locally. There have been fights over loo rolls in both the Co-op and Go-Local stores and pitched battles on the village green. The library staff have had to barricade the library doors to prevent people tearing the pages out of books. There’s even to be a rally in the park on Saturday demanding Independence for South Yorkshire again.’

The Chief Inspector stood up and placed his fists deliberately on the table to lend weight to his words. He put on his best Winston Churchill voice; ‘Ladies and Gentlemen. Do not underestimate the importance of this case. If this continues there will be questions asked in Parliament about how we could let this situation get so out of hand. You MUST apprehend the perpetrators – and soon. The PM has only given us twenty-four hours. After that the army will move in.  So let’s get on with it. Sergeant Patel – I want you to take DC Peters to go through the reported burglaries in more detail to see if there are any common factors or other clues. Detective constables Stoker and Jones, you will do a house-to-house inquiry centred around the village green. See if there have been any more unreported break-ins or if anyone has noted anything unusual in the area. Dismiss!’

It was as they were walking to the car park that Brian Stoker had his brainwave. ‘I think we should  take Rex with us’ he said. Rex was the station’s sniffer dog. It was rumoured that Rex could detect any scent from at least a mile away. Diane couldn’t see how that could be helpful in the present operation but she went along with it because she quite liked the big DC. They collected Rex from the kennels and set off in the police van, heading north on the A61 before turning left through Hillsborough and up the hill to Stannington. They parked in the car park next to the Park and let Rex out. It was then that Diane noticed that Brian had also borrowed the fake loo roll.

‘You cannot be serious!’ she exclaimed as he pulled it out of the bag and offered it to Rex to sniff. ‘That’s ridiculous Brian!’ she continued, but in a more conciliatory tone, ‘How is that going to help?’.

‘You’ll see’ was the reply. ‘This dog is famous. She’s been on TV!’ And, surprisingly, by mid-morning they had turned up and confiscated eighteen more fake loo rolls and recorded five more burglaries.

They took advantage of the coffee morning at the Methodist chapel to review their progress. ‘I’m stumped’ said Diane ‘None of the burglaries show any signs of a break-in and the only connection between them seems to be that all the house-holders have cats – and don’t you dare suggest we should be looking for a cat burglar!’

Brian looked glum as he had been about to suggest just that; ‘But you have to admit that Rex is good at her job. She’s found lots of counterfeit rolls.’

‘Isn’t ‘Rex’ an unusual name for a bitch?’ Diane asked, her words somewhat muffled as she tried to talk round the rather doughy scone she was eating.

‘I suppose so’ replied her partner (who had a similar speech impediment – at least until he’d swallowed a mouthful of cake). ‘I’d never really thought about it – could it be short for something? How about ‘Rexana’ or ‘Rexina’? But Rex was unavailable for comment as she had been left outside, tethered to the railings.

By the end of the day they had covered most of central Stannington and collected a further thirty-six fake toilet rolls and recorded three more burglaries. Some of the householders seemed upset when they confiscated the forgeries. ‘You can’t leave us with nothing!’ they pleaded. Others were less polite.

‘We’re getting nowhere’ summarised Diane. ‘And we’ve only got until tomorrow morning to solve the case. How about a stake-out?’

‘You can count me in!’ said Brian. The thought of spending an evening with DC Diane Jones in a more relaxed setting was an appealing one...

They shared a large portion of fish and chips in the cab of the van, looking out across the park whilst Rex ate two battered sausages and a steak and kidney pie in the back. Then they took Rex for a walk in the park, nodding to other dog walkers (some of whom just glared at them). It was getting dark when they got back to the van but they could just see someone gesticulating wildly from the doorway of one of the nearby houses. It was an old man and he was holding his trousers up with his left hand and waving the other in the air; his fist clenched. A cat sat on the garden wall. ‘Thieves! Scoundrels! Dogs!’ he shouted, ‘I’ll get you! I’ve got a gun, I have!’ It was a good job he isn’t holding it now!’ thought Diane.

They managed to calm the old man down enough to ask him the crucial question ‘Did it have any perforations?’ Diane asked ‘No, it was a right nuisance in fact’ he answered, ’I couldn’t get a straight edge when I tried to tear a sheet off!’

‘A-HA!’ cried Diane, triumphantly. ‘Our thief has made his first mistake!’

‘Shouldn’t that be ‘His or Her’ first mistake?’ suggested Brian – ‘or is this not the right moment?’

‘This is the right moment!’ cried Diane seizing a fake loo roll from the van. ‘Come Rex, sniff this – now go find!’ The dog bounded off down the alleyway towards Greaves Lane with the two detectives in hot pursuit, then right into Acorn Hill and right again into High Matlock Road. In Wood lane they saw something fluttering in the breeze ahead of them. It was the end of a toilet roll!

‘We’ve got him now!’ cried Diane

‘- or her!’ panted Brian.

The pace was furious but luckily it was all downhill now and the roads had recently been resurfaced so it was easy running. Diane was in training for the Sheffield half-marathon and was in the lead.

Brian realised what she was going to do and gasped ‘Diane NO! – Don’t do it!’

But with a last effort, Diane reached out and grasped the end of the trailing toilet tissue. ‘There’s no danger of it breaking’ she called over her shoulder ‘because there aren’t any perforations - and even though it’s soft and long, it’s also very strong!’

They followed the trail of tissue for another hundred yards before it passed through a hole in a fence into a back garden. Rex leaped over the fence and started scrabbling at the door of a small outbuilding.

‘We’d better call for back-up’ panted Brain, reaching for his radio. ‘We don’t know how many of them are in there...’.

Security lights came on as they climbed over the fence and an old man appeared at the back door, brandishing a broom. ‘Who’s there?’ he challenged. ‘Police’ answered Diane ‘We’ve got the situation under control sir. Please go back inside and lock the door. We may want to talk to you later.’

Minutes later, two squad cars screeched to a halt in the road outside with lights flashing and four uniformed officers piled out and took up positions around the small building. A helicopter appeared overhead and flooded the garden with it’s searchlight, blowing two of the officers’ hats off and causing the door of the little outbuilding to swing partly open.

‘This is the police. You are surrounded. There is no escape. Throw any weapons out now and come out with your hands up!’

There was no answer from within the small building, but Rex had started making whimpering noises when the door began to swing open and she now padded inside in such a relaxed manner that the two detective stared at each other in consternation. How could she be behaving like this in the presence of a desperate criminal?

They carefully pulled the door further open. To their astonishment they saw not one, hardened criminal, guilty of the most heinous crime of the century so far; not even a burglar in dark clothes and a balaclava face mask, but four golden retriever puppies, sitting on a bed of toilet paper, one of whom still had a fold of toilet tissue wrapped around her body – and Rex standing over them and nuzzling them gently.

‘Um, I think I know which advert Rex appeared in on Television’ said Diane.

‘They used the cat-flaps!’ Brian exclaimed. ‘You’d better read them their rights!’

THE END